Have you ever feel like everything you did just turned out to be not as you expected? And if you think about it, doesn’t really feels like it all happened only once or twice, but almost every time it will always be a failure. Well if you don’t think so, at least that’s how I feel.
I’m the kind of person who love to mock himself before being mocked by other people. I’m the kind of person who realize that I’m not perfect whatsoever so if there’s anybody out there who tell me about my insecurities I will not mind at all. Some people don’t give a crap about this particular point of view, and some people curse me for doing so. No matter how many time people tell nice things about me, most of the time I just can’t really accept it, I don’t feel like I am what they are telling me. For example, I’m not a good looking person and if someone praise me about my appearance I would just deny it (in a humble but annoying way).
I don’t mean to be negative or pessimistic about myself, I just try look at myself as true as possible. Some people said that words are prayer, well I could agree with that. But I don’t know why exactly, I just feel like telling myself that I’m ugly rather than fooling myself by saying that I’m a good looking person. And no, this is not a reverse psychology thing where I expect the opposite opinion from others by saying the negative thing about me. I love myself as it is, but sometimes I wonder is this why I’m still stuck in the same loop for years where there’s no significance change about myself for the last couple years? I mean it could be… right?.
Lacking social interaction in the past couple months making me realize that I personally need motivation to keep going on in life from others. I do like interacting with people but at the same times I don’t always feel comfortable around people. I consider myself as an ambivert, I love to be in a crowd but not necessarily need to interact with everybody. Why am I telling you this? I don’t know.
Because of how I act and how I look at myself, I do feel like it becomes a curse of itself. I do feel like being pessimistic sometimes or too lazy to be positive. I can’t really force a positive vibes and sometimes my mood just fly with the wind and the actual example can be seen whenever I play games and stream. I started everything with a good vibes and chill but as the game and interaction with people goes by, my mood changed a lot. I can’t even faking that I’m not enjoying the game or moment whatsoever.
I do need to push myself harder, especially in current condition. I don’t have income since the last February 2021 and I’m already running out of everything (energy, idea, motivation). I feel like I just want to sleep forever. Not dead, just sleep. Maybe have multiple dreams on the process. See? my process of thought lead me this way and it confirmed that I’ve been cursing my own life for the longest time and I need to get out of this situation, somehow…